Starting a conversation in the natural to work into the spiritual can be difficult, especially when we don’t know what to say. In the article series: Talking to Strangers, we’ve discussed how to get into conversation with just about anyone using several tactics such as: F.O.R.M. (Family, Occupation, Recreation, and Motivation) and bringing up things in your shared space to talk about using your senses. But there were times when I couldn’t find anything in our shared space to talk about, or asking about family or what they did for a living brought an unwanted reminder of their job loss or being newly widowed, and I wished I had never used them. Not to mention, those topics seemed cliché at times.
But hey, who doesn’t love adding another shiny lure to the tackle box when we’re out fishing for men?
The above video brightened my feed while I was exploring topics on evangelism, and I eagerly saved it for later. Even though it presents a secular lesson, I discovered it offers fantastic insights on initiating a natural conversation, sustaining it seamlessly, and wrapping it up gracefully. While the focus isn’t specifically on spiritual discussions, I believe the tips shared can truly enhance the art of starting engaging and meaningful conversations!
The following are summaries of the chapters of the video, but I suggest you watch it for content I can’t add all in text.
The Do’s and Don’ts of Conversation
When we look at the three conversation killers: one-upping, complaining, and monologuing; Dr. Lyon points out that they all have one thing in common–they focus on ourselves instead of the person we are engaging in conversation. That is so important. As evangelists, we want to come off as caring, sensitive, and interested in the other person. What’s most important in all of that, is having great listening skills.
The Don’ts
I find it difficult for most people when they are just starting out sharing their faith because they tend to talk too much due to their nerves. One way I try to keep from monologuing is to limit my speaking to one minute intervals, which not only helps me stay concise but also allows the other person to engage in the conversation. This approach fosters a more interactive dialogue, making it easier for both parties to share their thoughts and feelings comfortably. You’ll be surprised how much you can convey in just one minute; it’s often more than you think. By staying mindful of time, I encourage others to respond, leading to a richer exchange of ideas and experiences that can deepen understanding and connection.
The Do’s
How we start conversations on the right foot, we use these three conversation builders: have a good greeting, get curious, and establish a dialogue pattern. By doing this, we are being others-centered. Yes, you have something to say, but if they feel it’s one-sided, they will be likely to end the conversation before it even starts.
I really liked the graph Dr. Lyon featured being 50% listening, 25% talking about the other person’s interests, and 25% talking about shared interests. This way it’s more about 75% them and 25% us in a natural conversation. It’s not that we are striving in the back of our minds saying, don’t talk much, stop talking, am I annoying? Because there will be a point in the conversation where we swing it to the spiritual and the topics we want to talk about.
Ask Questions
As I have written in other articles regarding communication, asking questions is a great way to start a conversation and keep it going. They show a genuine interest in other people, and take the focus off ourselves and put it on the other person.
Asking the four F’s of conversation is a great tool to use when you don’t know what to say. Have a few questions ready to put on your line that are based on the 4 F’s: From, Fun, Fired up, and Future Plans.
Where are you from?
Asking a person where they are from can seem intrusive, but it is a great way to start a conversation when the other person has an interesting accent, dress, or manerism. Dr. Lyon also has some follow up questions that are fantastic to make it seem less intrusive:
- What’s it like there?
- What was it like growing up there?
- What is it known for?
- Does it have any signature foods? (For me, growing up in New Jersey we had Trenton Pork Roll. Everyone loves talking about Pork Roll)
- What do people do there for fun?
- How often do you go back and visit?
- How has it changed over the years?
Most of these questions are open-ended, and can lead to even more questions and get the other person talking.
What do you do for fun?
These are questions you ask about them what they like to do when they are not working. Work is work. Who really likes talking about their job anyway? For most men, it’s what defines them, but I am not most men, and frankly, if you are out an’ about—people don’t want to be reminded of Monday.
Some of these open-ended questions are:
- What do you do for fun?
- Do you have any hobbies? If money was no object, what would you like to do with your spare time?
- What do you do on the weekends?
- How do you relax and recharge?
As they are talking, try to find shared-interests and common ground in their responses. Even if it’s similar and not exact.
What gets you fired up (positively)?
As they talk, see what seems to get them excited. What really gets them interested and things they love, then engage them more on those topics. This is probably the easiest thing you can talk about, but it may take a few questions about the other “F’s” to get there.
The eyes are the windows to their soul. Watch and see what lights them up, and hone in on those things. You’ll be suprised when you do. You’ll make friends quickly.
Any future plans?
As Dr. Lyon states, this is a question that you may end the conversation on or when things are winding down. Here are a few from the video:
- What do you have coming up next?
- What do you have going on later?
- What are you up to over the weekend?
- Any plans for [insert holiday]?
Gracefully letting them know what you are doing next may help end the conversation and part ways in a friendly manner. Be yourself and use your own words. There’s no need to ask questions from each of the “4 F’s;” stick with what works.
Follow-up Questions
While doing this, make sure you are actively listening and not spinning through the rolledex in your mind of things you want to say next. Be in the moment, and pay attention, while giving them room to speak.
But follow-up questions is where we really engage and keep the conversation going looking for an opening to share the gospel. This is done by asking questions about the statement they just said. Build on what they said, don’t just dismiss them. Contribute to it, and share something about you. Maybe look for a way to interject your story as to how you came to know the Lord. Mix it up, remembering that it’s a dialogue, not a monologue.
By Golly–Have Fun with It!
Use this time talking with strangers to learn something. If they don’t want to talk–that’s ok. There are no expectations with any conversation we get into. If there are no expectations–there are no disappointments! We get disappointed when things don’t go our way–so don’t have any. Just practice with someone today and develop some skills and learn some things along the way.
Pens & Wrenches 
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