“Your Church is Too Cliquey.”

In many communities, churches serve as vital hubs of spiritual growth, support, and fellowship. However, an increasingly common concern among congregants and newcomers alike is the perception of cliqueniess within these religious communities. The sense of exclusion can hinder the church’s mission of welcoming and nurturing children of God and seekers alike, leading to feelings of isolation and discouragement for those on the fringes. As churches strive to be inclusive and unified in Christ, it is essential to recognize and address signs of cliquish behavior, ensuring that all believers feel truly part of the church family.

Unfortunately, more than not, when people have left for this reason, you find out from someone who ran into them in the grocery store months later. They are in need of something, whether it’s friendship, companionship, prayer, or something more personal, and might see everyone else is receiving care but them.  Why does this happen, and who is at fault? Let’s take a look at this systemic problem in the church.

What is a clique?

Before we begin, we need to know what a clique is. A clique is a small exclusive group of individuals, usually according to lifestyle, social status, or interests. To be cliquish is a tendency to associate with a small group, excluding others, having secret events that only certain members are invited to. With these definitions, you can see there are already problems with this theory.

But there is a darker side to being a clique in which if people really experienced this would be nothing more than sin. Purposely excluding certain people to the point of shunning them because of petty differences may constitute as a clique. That “us four, no more” mentality would be a darker side of cliquey. Think of what it was like when you were in high school. The “burn-outs” didn’t hang out with the “jocks,” nor did the “cool kids” hang out with the “nerds.” They both were made up of special interests, which is fine, but in the process shunned those who were not like them. Watch movies like “The Outsiders,” “Clueless,” or “Never Been Kissed,” and you’ll quickly realize if cliques operate in your church. If they do, they need to be addressed.

Was Jesus the ringleader of His own clique?

When you think about cliques in the Bible, one must come to some sort of conclusion that Jesus was the leader of a clique. I mean, He had an exclusive group of young men known as the apostles, disciples, and friends. He even had those of that group: Peter, James, and John; that were special unto themselves. Jesus must have been the ringleader of His own clique. No, He wasn’t.

Jesus throughout the gospels called people to follow Him. Jesus counseled the rich young ruler to sell all that he had, give to the poor and follow Him (Matthew 19:16-22; Mark 10:17-22; Luke 18:18-23). It was the young man’s choice to follow or lead. Matthew the Tax Collector, who was reviled and ostracized from Jewish society, yet Jesus called him to follow Him (Matthew 9:9-13; Mark 2:13-17; Luke 5:27-32). Not only that, but Jesus went to Matthew’s home and feasted with his sinner friends. Jesus went to a Samaritan woman who had five husbands, and at the time was committing adultery with a sixth (John 4:1-26). Yet He shared the gospel with her and invited her to receive Himself as her Messiah. Jesus’ salvation and rest reaches all people, especially those who need it the most.

“Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.”

Matthew 11:28

Jesus said, “Let the little children come to Me, and do not forbid them; for such is the kingdom of heaven.”

Matthew 19:14

“For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.

John 3:16

Take some time this week and read Paul’s letter to the Colossians. Write down every spot you see these words: all, every, and always. You will find that Jesus, nor God shows partiality or favoritism, which is sin (Acts 10:34; Romans 2:11; Ephesians 6:9; James 2:9). Jesus included many: sinners and saints; fishermen and tax collectors; or rich and poor — it didn’t matter.

Where may the problem be?

It’s not that cliquish behavior doesn’t exist at all. It might, and here are some articles that prove it:

• Brunt, Deborah. “Cliques in the Church.” 22 Apr 2021. Key Truths. 18 Jul 2024. https://www.keytruths.com/cliques-in-the-church/
• Ressler, Chad. “Church Cliques.” 06 May 2010. Christian Research and Apologetics Ministry (CARM). 18 July 2024. https://carm.org/to-the-christian-church/church-cliques/

Every church or fellowship is different; it’s the exception, not the rule. But why do people feel like they are not included, singled out, or pushed away? You know the phrase — “it takes two to tango.” If people feel this way, what can they do to alleviate this problem and work towards a resolution?

To have friends, one must first show themselves to be friendly

Proverbs 18:24 (NKJV) says: “A man who has friends must himself be friendly, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.”

This verse through the centuries has sparked debates over translation interpretations. For the sake of argument, the King James and New King James translations mean “to make oneself pleasing.” To have friends, one must be friendly.

Some people who feel disconnected may say things like: “People are so cliquey. No one ever invites me to their home for dinner.” “Betty is so superficial at church. I just see her talk to the same people, but never talks to me.” Or, “I feel so unwanted. No one ever asks how I am doing.”

Though these things may be true and the person genuinely feels this way, I would say:

1. Do you invite people to your home for dinner? When was the last time you did this?
2. Do you always talk to the same people? How about reaching out to someone new each week?
3. How about asking how other people are doing? Look around the room; do you see anyone sitting alone or in need of prayer? Go and start a conversation.

Though some may call it a stretch, we see this principle in Romans 2:

“You, therefore, who teach another, do you not teach yourself? You who preach that a man should not steal, do you steal? You who say, “Do not commit adultery,” do you commit adultery? You who abhor idolatry, do you rob temples?”

Romans 2:21-22 NKJV

There are many people in the fellowship I attend that I have never invited over for dinner. Many, I don’t even know where they live or been to their home at all. And that’s ok. Maybe they have their reasons why that doesn’t have to do with me. Maybe they are embarrassed of their home or financially cannot afford other people over for dinner. Maybe their place is just really small. My point is: to blame others for the same thing you are doing, that sounds a lot like — hypocrisy.

Not attending church social events or bible studies

Many complain that people from church are not friendly towards them, call them up, hang out with them; yet those same people never go to the church functions that are available to everyone besides Sunday mornings. Why?

I get it, there are times when work schedules, kid’s functions, family gatherings, hobbies and many other things that take away from our time throughout the week. Things are not offered while we are available. But we do the things that are important to us and want to do. If you want to get together with people, you need to be available to go to the places where your brothers and sisters in the faith are.

Grumbling to yourself that people are distant, yet not going to functions that are offered, is not healthy mentally or spiritually; especially when you are able to go. When I was new to the church, I didn’t know anyone else in this time zone other than my wife. I started going to church, men’s bible study on Saturday mornings, and planned lunch with some of the guys to get to know them. I showed interest in them and wanted to know how to navigate through Christianity, even though I was the new guy.

If you have a problem with someone, say something

Even though Matthew 18:15-20 talks about dealing with a sinning brother, and what looks like cliquish behavior may not be sin, it does give us a good framework to heal relationships where we feel slighted.

First, go to the person one-on-one and tell them how you feel where they may have wronged you.

“Moreover, if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother.”

Matthew 18:15 NKJV

It’s important to do this first before getting anyone else involved. This, more than likely, is a personal problem between you and the individual. It’s good to hash it out and talk it over just yourselves. If this is a case where other people know this to be an issue, then take others with you (Matthew 18:16-17). Not discussing this with the person who you feel has been cliquey first, and getting others involved behind this person’s back is gossip, and that is sin.

Their Lego piece is full

In the book, Sticky Church, by Larry Osborne, he equates people as being like Legos: each person having a limited number of connectors because of time restraints, modest number of resources, and a depleting emotional fuel tank. Some have more than others; but when their connectors are full, they are full. We still tend to be friendly to one another, but we don’t connect on a deeper level because our spaces are already taken up.

“This can be very confusing and frustrating for people who are new to a community or church. The acts of friendship send one message, but the lack of connection sends another. It’s why so many people complain about churches being too cliquish. The reality is, it’s not so much a church full of cliques as it is a church full of people whose connectors are already full.” (Osborne, 80)

Pastors, Elders, and church leadership especially have a full plate. Many times, they not only have to be these ministry leaders, but also maintenance personnel, cooks, maids, and childcare; at the same time being parents and community leaders. Most even have full-time secular jobs. We wonder why on average about 18,000 Christian Pastors leave the ministry annually in the United States. The reasons for leaving can vary widely, including burnout, personal issues, conflict within the church, financial difficulties, and more.

What we see are not cliques

But, throughout Scripture, people did have special relationships with certain individuals; that in and of itself is not wrong. There are few in which we have space on our Lego pieces for those we love and care for more than others. For we read:

“…but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.”

Proverbs 18:24b

As Solomon was writing this, maybe he was reminded of his father David’s relationship to Jonothan. Even though they were two grown men, you see the love between them that is closer than paternal brothers (1 Samuel 18:1, 3; 20:17).

And, that is the point of this article. What we think is cliquish behavior may be nothing more than a brotherly and sisterly love few rarely find in the church. But when they do, they hold onto them like the jewels they are. Others see this and covet it. Truth is, they can have it too, but maybe they just haven’t found the right Lego piece yet. When they do, they will treasure them the way I treasure mine.

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Osborne, Larry. Sticky church. Grand Rapids, Zondervan, 2008.

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